Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Part Deux
by Deco
Summary: Luke keeps agreeing with Mara, which she finds intolerable but her worst mistake is asking Leia for advice.
1. Default Chapter

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Part Deux

  
  


It might help to read the first story, "Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus," but it's not absolutely necessary.

  
  
  
  


"I tell you, I'm getting sick of it," Corran said, taking a sip of his Corellian ale.

  
  


"Sick of what?" Wedge asked, distracted. They were sitting in their usual bar, drinking. Also usual.

  
  


"Of Mara boasting to our wives how often Luke makes her happy per night," Corran snarled. "Can't she keep it to herself? It's giving them ideas."

  
  


Wedge stifled a laugh. "Well, it isn't giving *my* wife any ideas," he said.

  
  


"Oh, really, Antilles?"

  
  


"What's this, Horn?" Wedge said mock-horrified. "You mean *you* and Mirax don't do it three times per night, and again in the morning? And you a Corellian? I'm shocked----!"

  
  


"Put a sock in it!" Corran cried. "I thought there was nothing worse than them not doing it for eight years. Well, I was wrong! Them doing it all the time *is* worse!"

  
  


"Oh, give them a break, Corran," Wedge said. "They have eight years to make up. They'll ease up after awhile."

  
  


"You think," Corran said, morosely. "Who knows what effect the Force will have? This may be permanent."

  
  


"Well, I doubt it, but if it is, just be happy for them, then," Wedge said.

  
  


"You're hopeless, Antilles."

  
  


"The term is 'hopeful,' Horn."

  
  


Corran snorted. Wedge gave him a narrow look. "I do believe he's jealous," Wedge observed.

  
  


"I wouldn't mind being telekinetic, if that's the result," Corran muttered.

  
  


"I suspect you need two telekinetics. Can you see yourself with Mara?"

  
  


"That brave I'm not," Corran said, shaking his head.

  
  


"No argument, Horn. Neither am I. So let's just leave Mara to Luke and be glad they're making each other happy, okay? Hoth knows, neither of them have had much of it in the past."

  
  


"Too much excess is bad for them," Corran said piously. "So I took care of it."

  
  


Wedge stared at him, narrow-eyed. "What did you do, Corran? Come clean."

  
  


Corran smirked. "Nothing, really. I just brought it to the Chief of State's attention."

  
  


"Leia? Why should she care?"

  
  


***

  
  


Which was exactly the same question Luke asked, some time later. He was sitting in his sister's apartment, listening to her lecture him. And trying to keep a straight face. This wasn't too easy, because behind her back, her irreverent husband was doing a spirited--if soundless---imitation of her, putting his hands on his hips, pursing his lips judiciously, and then wagging his finger at Luke. The mimicry was perfect.

  
  


Luke bit his lip. Leia's eyes narrowed, and she whipped around, glaring at Han. He quickly dropped the wagging finger and gave his wife a wide, insincere smile. 

  
  


"Were you saying something?" Leia inquired frostily.

  
  


"Nope, but you were. In fact, you were saying rather too much," Han said, frankly. "Luke hasn't just hit puberty, so give it a rest."

  
  


"Sometimes, he behaves like it, though!" Leia said, offended. "But it's no use! Men never listen!" She gave them both a exasperated look and stomped out of the room.

  
  


Han popped open a non-alcoholic drink, and handed it to Luke.

  
  


"What was that all about?" Luke asked, taking it.

  
  


Han sighed, snagged a Corellian ale for himself, and folded himself onto a chair. "Translation from woman-speak," he said. "Somebody told her about it. It didn't come from you. She's offended."

  
  


"Is that all?" Luke asked, his face clearing. He sat down.

  
  


"That's just point one. Point two, Mara."

  
  


"What about Mara?" Luke asked, puzzled.

  
  


"You didn't consult Leia first. If you had, Mara would have been an okay choice. Since you didn't, she's a wicked siren seducing you from your duty. I mean Mara, in case you didn't recognize her."

  
  


"I didn't. And she didn't seduce me. Booster fixed us up."

  
  


"Booster?" Han said, surprised.

  
  


"Yeah."

  
  


"Let me get this straight--Booster Terrik fixed you and Mara up?"

  
  


"That's what I said."

  
  


"And I missed it!" Han said, awestruck.

  
  


"From a participant's viewpoint, it wasn't fun at all. But it was effective," Luke said.

  
  


"I'm not surprised. Point three: your matchmaker was a notorious pirate, not your loving sister."

  
  


"I'll tell you something, Han: Booster is a helluva lot better at it than Leia is."

  
  


"That's because he thinks like a man instead of a woman," Han said. "Point three: Leia thinks sex is bad for you. Turns your head, or something."

  
  


"I see. And is it bad for her?"

  
  


"Of course not, but then, she's not a man. Women think men are obsessed by sex."

  
  


"And they're right about that," Luke sighed.

  
  


"Are they ever. Point four: logic has nothing to do with it. That's why she's always trying to fix you up. She can tolerate you having sex if she chooses your partner. And if she chooses your partner, your enjoyment will be a distant memory."

  
  


"You've met all my prospective fiancees, I see."

  
  


"Oh, yes. Every last one. She shows them off to me--with great enthusiasm---prior to their exposure to you."

  
  


"Didn't you tell her they aren't my style?" Luke asked plaintively.

  
  


"Oh, sure. She doesn't care about *my* opinion. Not on things like that. I'm a guy, after all."

  
  


"Just a minute, Han. Why does she get a vote here? I never had any input into any of *her* choices. She never asked me if she could marry you, for instance."

  
  


"Why, would you have objected?" Han asked, with interest.

  
  


"Shit, yeah."

  
  


"I'm touched."

  
  


"You should be. Just for the record: saving my life more times than I care to mention is not a qualification to shtup my sister."

  
  


"I'll bear that in mind," Han said, grinning.

  
  


"Good. The point is, however, I didn't get a vote," Luke said. "Neither did you, as I recall. She wanted you. End of discussion. She told me you two were getting married. I'm not really sure she bothered to notify you, or not. Told me I was best man. Ordered me to get a shave, a haircut, a shower, and show up at the appointed time. My role in this was to say 'Yes, Leia,' every five minutes or so."

  
  


"I have news for you: that's the role of every male in Leia's life. Women, of course, are different."

  
  


"True," Luke said, sighing.

  
  


"Hah!" Han said, obscurely.

  
  


"What's that mean?"

  
  


"Well, how long have you and Mara been a couple?" Han asked.

  
  


"About two months," Luke said tentatively.

  
  


"And everything going well?"

  
  


"Yeah, fine. Great."

  
  


"Well, hope you enjoyed it. Now comes the hard part," Han shook his head.

"Come again?"

  
  


"Well, you're together, right? Now everybody is going to start to second guess you. Your relatives, your friends. You watch out. Happened to me and Leia. We very nearly didn't survive it."

  
  


"Excuse me, I did *not* second guess you," Luke said indignantly.

  
  


"Not you, that's true---by then, Leia had you properly trained. But everybody else wanted to shove their oar in, and didn't hesitate to do it," Han said, grimacing.

  
  


"Mara would never listen to--" Luke began.

  
  


"Mara may be able to fight like a man, but she's a female, as I'm sure you've noticed. Which means she *thinks* like a female. And that means you'd better watch out."

  
  


"In what way?" Luke asked.

  
  


"Well, for instance, a few days ago, Leia comes home after a long day of running the galaxy, and I'm preoccupied and don't put a lot of emotion into saying hello. Well, hell, her mind goes into overdrive. She says to herself: I bet he's bored with me! I bet he's got another woman! I bet he's going to divorce me! I bet he'll get custody of the kids! I bet the holorags'll have a field day! Next thing I know, she's practically beating me over the head, swearing that I'll never get custody. And I'm thinking: what did I miss here? And do I need to tell you what I was actually preoccupied about?"

  
  


"A hangnail?"

  
  


"No, but you're close. I needed a new magno-mechanism for the Falcon, and I was trying to remember where I'd bought the last one. But she absolutely was sure I was divorcing her on that much data. Women can construct these elaborate paranoid scenarios on *no* evidence whatsoever. I'm just warning you."

  
  


Luke grinned. 

  
  


"You may smile, Luke, but I'm serious," Han predicted, darkly. "You watch out."

  
  



	2. Chapter 2---Tough Love

Chapter 2--Tough Love.

  
  


Mirax and Iella were sitting in their favorite caf shop in Corsucant, sampling the latest imports from the Inner, Outer, and Middle Rim, when they saw a familiar face.

  
  


"Hey, isn't that Leia?" Mirax asked, nudging her friend.

  
  


Iella squinted. "Yeah, I do believe you're right. And that's Winter with her, or I'm mightily mistaken."

  
  


"Which you never are. Shouldn't she have five dozen bodyguards hanging around?" Mirax said, looking about.

  
  


"Maybe she's incognito. Mixing with the hoi polloi."

  
  


"And you can't get any more hoi than her nor polloi than us. Let's go mingle."

  
  


Leia looked surprised but pleased to see them. "Hey!" she said, "The fellows members of the Correllian Wives Club!"

  
  


"In person," Mirax said. "Where's your honour guard?"

  
  


"The Noghri are lurking about somewhere. They know you, so they won't interfere. Join us?"

  
  


"Thought you'd never ask," Iella said, grinning. "What brings you here, anyway?"

  
  


"Winter said this place was good, and sometimes I just want to have an ordinary afternoon, sans bodyguards, politicians, and diplomats."

  
  


"Translation: she's upset about something," Mirax said, sitting down. "What's up, Princess?"

  
  


"Luke," Leia said, gloomily. 

  
  


Mirax and Iella exchanged glances. "What's wrong with Luke?"

  
  


"He's having yet another utterly unsuitable love affair. I swear, sometimes I think he just does it to get on my nerves."

  
  


"Really? Who's the lucky lady?" Mirax asked, in a studiedly casual voice.

  
  


Leia sighed. "I tolerated the voice in the machine for his sake, but now he's carrying on with Mara Jade! Did you ever hear of the like?"

  
  


"So what's wrong with Mara?" asked Iella.

  
  


Leia sighed. "Nothing, really. Except they're completely incompatible. Luke wouldn't hurt a fly; and Mara couldn't draw them. They have absolutely nothing in common."

  
  


"They're both Jedi," Mirax said. "It seems to be pretty important to both of them."

  
  


Leia bristled. "I didn't marry a Jedi, and *I'm* very happy. And Corran didn't marry one, either, Mirax, unless you've been lying to us all these years."

  
  


Mirax grinned. Then she looked towards the door. "Well, here's a surprise-Mara herself," she said drily. 

  
  


Leia grimaced. "What's she doing here?"

  
  


"Well, actually," Iella said, "We invited her to meet us here."

  
  


Mara didn't *walk* into the room; she quite literally floated over to their table on a wave of almost-visible afterglow. 

  
  


"Well, what do you know?" Iella muttered to her tablemates in an under voice as she watched this display, "It looks like the Jedi Power Couple just discovered nooners." Mirax gave a sudden crack of laughter, which she quickly stifled.

  
  


Mara gave them all a beaming smile. Leia blinked in the glare.

  
  


"Hi, folks," Mara said happily. "How's everything?"

  
  


"Um, fine," Mirax said. "We saw Leia here, so we asked her to sit in."

  
  


"Wonderful!" Mara said radiantly. Leia was quite obviously taken aback by Mara in a positive mode.

  
  


"How are things with you, Mara?" Leia said, politely enough.

  
  


"Fantastic!" Mara said. 

  
  


"I didn't know there were that many superlatives in Mara's vocabulary," Mirax muttered to Iella, who smiled in spite of herself.

  
  


"Sit down, Mara," Leia said gravely. "I've been wanting to talk to you."

  
  


Mirax had always suspected that Mara was very brave; and when her redheaded friend didn't bolt for the exits at Leia's conversational gambit, she knew it for sure. Or perhaps Mara's mind was still on her last tryst with Luke, and she didn't realize she was in deep, deep poodu.

  
  


Mara sat down and gave Leia an open smile. "Sure," she said easily. "What's on your mind?"

  
  


Iella, Mirax and Winter all flinched. Leia was made of tougher stuff, though; she didn't blink an eye. 

"Well, for starters, my brother."

  
  


"What about him?" Finally, Mara got the message. She looked suddenly rather nervous.

  
  


"I understand you're a couple," Leia said. Her tone was carefully neutral.

  
  


Mara knitted her brow. "Um, yeah. Did he tell you?"

  
  


"No, I heard it elsewhere," Leia said coolly. "In fact, Corran told me."

  
  


Mirax stiffened, and glanced at Iella.

  
  


"Oh," Mara said. Her tone was expressionless.

  
  


"I hear Booster was the match-maker," Leia said. "Is that true?"

  
  


"Yeah," Mara said, now reduced to words of one syllable.

  
  


Leia shook her head, but said nothing. Mara looked anxious.

  
  


"What do you talk about?" Leia asked suddenly.

  
  


"Talk?" Mara said blankly.

  
  


"Yeah, talk. You know, moving your lips. What do you say to each other?"

  
  


"Other than to discuss who's gonna be on top," muttered Mirax

  
  


Leia gave Mirax a discreet kick under the table. Mirax gave her a wide, close-mouthed smile.

  
  


"Um." Mara said.

  
  


"You do talk, don't you?" Leia asked.

  
  


Mara suddenly looked a lot less radiant. "Sometimes," she said evasively.

  
  


"Mara, how can you tell if you and Luke have anything in common if you don't talk?" Leia asked earnestly.

  
  


"We *do* have something in common!" Mara said, stung.

  
  


"Other than sex," Iella said bluntly.

  
  


"That's right," Leia said. "All of us are married here. So we all know. Eventually, the physical stuff will wear itself out. You may discover that when it does, you're bored with each other."

  
  


Mara was now sat hunched in her chair. She looked worried.

  
  


"Now, what you should do, is go find Luke and see if you can actually have a conversation."

  
  


Mara said. "You think?" 

  
  


"Yes," Leia said. Mara looked pensive for a moment, and then nodded at the rest of the table and left, head down, face clouded.

  
  


There was silence for a moment. Then the usually silent Winter said: "Gods, Leia, that was positively evil."

  
  


"Yeah," said Mirax. "You know very well that men don't *have* conversations: women talk, and men grunt semi-occasionally. She's never going to get Luke to *talk* to her, for Hoth's sake."

  
  


Leia shook her head. "Better she find out now rather than later."

  
  


Mirax gave her a hard look: ""Fess up, princess," she said. "You couldn't bear to see her look that damn happy."

  
  


Leia grinned suddenly. "True enough. I thought Mara's usual personality was wearing, but Mara in love is worse. And *you* 'fess up--you feel exactly the same way, you're just not prepared to be as honest about it as I am."

  
  


Mirax and Iella avoided her eyes, and looked guilty. Leia gave them a triumphant smile, and turned to look thoughtfully at Mara's retreating figure.

  
  



	3. Two and Two Makes Five

Chapter 3-Two and Two Makes Five

"Han?"

"Yeah, Luke?"

"Have you seen Booster?"

"Ask Karrde," Han advised him.

"Karrde isn't sure where he is. He may be on a trading run on the Outer Rim. He may be in a local dive. He may be----"

"Why are you looking for him?" Han asked, cutting off the litany of places Booster might or might not be.

"I'm in trouble," Luke said, after a pause.

"So get Leia to help you," Han said, with the air of having easily solved the problem.

"It's not that kind of trouble, Han."

"What sort of trouble, then?" Han asked.

Deep sigh. "The worst kind," Luke said. "Woman trouble."

"Well, sit down, Luke, and tell me all the gruesome details," Han said amiably. "I'm just as good as Booster at that. Or better."

There was a long, dubious pause.

"Take that look off your face!" Han said, angrily. " I know all there is to know about women!"

"I saw you court my sister, remember?" Luke said, folding his arms. "You want to amend that statement?"

Sullenly, Han said, "Okay, I know slightly more than you do about women."

Luke sat. Han gave him a drink. Luke stared at it.

"So what's up, kid?" Han asked.

Luke sighed again. "It's Mara," he said.

"Well, I could see that one coming," Han said, scratching his chin.

"That's a big help, Han."

"No kidding. So what's the problem?"

"She came in today and demanded that I talk to her," Luke said in despair.

Han shook his head. "Loud ominous chord of music," he said, snapping open some Coreillian ale, and draining half of it.

Luke nodded. "So, I asked her what she wanted to talk about."

"Wrong thing to say," Han said, grimacing. "For a smart guy, you can be amazingly dense at times."

"Yeah, apparently. She went ballistic."

"I could have predicted that," Han said, shaking his head.

"But, Han, what was I supposed to say?" Luke asked, genuinely baffled.

"When a woman asks you a question like that, you don't answer-you take her in your arms, make passionate love to her, and hope she's easily distracted," Han said.

"You're a great big help," Luke muttered. "How do you make passionate love to a trained assassin, if she's not in the mood?"

"You'd know more about that subject than I would," Han observed. "I wondered--how did you persuade her in the first place? I'm just curious."

"Well, you can be just curious, revered brother-in-law," Luke snapped. "I don't kiss and tell. Notice that I never asked you how you seduced my sister?"

"True enough," Han said amicably. "Do you really want to know?"

"No," Luke said in a repressive voice. "As far as I'm concerned, it happened on your wedding night."

Han gave a cynical snort.

"And if it didn't," Luke said, staring hard at a spot a foot above Han's head, "I might recall that I actually am the son of a Sith."

Han's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

"Don't bet on it," Luke said darkly, dropping his gaze to Han's. "I'm Outer Rim, remember? If you're testing the merchandise, and the merchandise in question is a sister of mine, you'd better be in a buying mood. Immediately if not sooner. You remember the stories they used to tell about the spaceship salesman and the farmer's daughter? They originated on Tattooine."

Han grinned. "Glad you warned me. I might have done something stupid--like blurting out a list of all your exs to Mara."

It was Luke's turn to snort. "So what?"

Han grinned. "I suspect it's a lot longer than she thinks it is."

Luke went white. "You think that's what she wants to talk about?"

"Well, that's one of the possible subjects," Han said, giving it due consideration. "Women are obsessed by their predecessors. I speak from personal experience--just ask Leia. She wanted to know all about my ex-girlfriends in great detail."

"And did you tell her?" Luke asked, regarding him with a fascinated eye.

"The truth?" Han said, laughing. "No, I didn't tell her, not everything anyway. Before her time, for one thing, and none of her damn business, for another."

"Why would Mara be interested?" Luke asked, confused.

"Women are strange that way," Han said simply.

"Are they ever," Luke agreed.

"Maybe she wants to talk about Callista," Han suggested, watching with clinical interest while the blood drained from Luke's face.

"W-why would she want to talk about that?" Luke stammered.

"Oh, I dunno," Han said. "I never pretended to understand everything about the feminine mind."

"Yes, you did. Just now, in fact."

Han rolled his eyes. "Then I lied. You can bet it's a sore point, though."

"Why?" Luke asked, looking guilty. "Mara and I weren't together then. Why should she care?"

Han gave him a pitying look. "Luke, you two were together from the first second you clapped eyes on each other. I mean, everybody knew it. Even though you've been doing the old scratch and sniff for eight years. I'm guessing that you would have got lucky a whole lot sooner if not for Ms. Ming. Just saying."

"What do you mean, everybody knew it?" Luke cried.

"You gave her your old man's lightsaber, right?" Han said. "I mean, what was that about? Was Leia ever angry about it, too!"

"Leia told me it was okay--!" Luke protested.

Han shook his head. "What else was she going to say? You'd already done the deed. And Mara accepted it, right?"

"Right; but I wasn't attracted to Mara the first time I saw her! She had a blaster pointed at my head!"

"Acute fear and a first-class hard-on must have been an interesting combination," Han said, with a smirk, dodging the bottle of ale Luke threw at him. "Temper, temper, little brother! Tell me, did she notice?"

"No," Luke whispered.

"You may be wrong about that," Han said, still smirking.

"If she had, she'd have killed me then and there," Luke muttered.

"Don't think so," was Han's rejoinder. "In fact, she may have been just as attracted to you as you, ahem, were to her."

"I doubt it," Luke sighed.

"Let's look at the evidence," Han said. "She's Palpatine's creature from a very early age. He programs her to kill you on sight. You have numerous encounters with her. You are not dead. I rather suspect this is Mara's version of foreplay. You just weren't tuned in."

Luke started at his brother-in-law. "Boomer said something about a signal in the Force she gave off that only I could hear--oh, but that's impossible! She's wasn't interested then, she made it clear!"

Han stared back at him. "Well, what do you actually know about the mating habits of the Jedi?" he pointed out. "Did your education with Yoda include this interesting subject?"

"He said he didn't have the time," Luke muttered.

"I'll just bet. He wasn't about to let you have any fun, was he?" He peered at Luke. "So, and I think that I speak for all your friends when I ask this question, what's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"You know--um, interaction with another Force user?" Han said.

"I told you--I don't kiss and tell," Luke said stubbornly.

"Nobody asked anything about kissing," Han said grinning. "Is it different? I make this inquiry in the nature of scientific investigation. Not out of vulgar curiosity."

Luke gave him a skeptical look.

"Okay, I'm both vulgar and curious," Han acknowledged. "Satisfied? But I need to know to give you further advice."

"It's incredible," Luke whispered, finally.

"Different?" Han asked with interest. "Does the earth move?"

"The earth moves, the sun does a back flip, the moon rocks on its axis, and the planets sing 'The Galaxy Anthem' in two-part harmony," Luke said, dreamily.

"I'm impressed, Luke," Han said. "That's practically poetic."

Luke started, and then looked thoroughly embarrassed.

"Hmmm," Han said, "Booster's a smart old bird."

"Which means?"

"I think Mara's been sending you genuine Jedi mating signals, but you didn't interpret them correctly," Han said.

"How am I supposed to interpret 'Drop dead, Skywalker!'?" Luke asked, glaring at him, "especially when the line's delivered by a professional assassin?"

"There's that, of course," Han admitted. "But consider this, we may competing programming here. Palpatine's is making her tell you to drop dead. While the Jedi hand-wiring is saying, 'Come back, my love, all is forgiven.'"

Luke stared at him, wide-eyed. "Which means--!"

"Which means that thing you had with Callista--the Palpatine's programming wouldn't care, but the Jedi hand-wiring is going to regard that as a hell of a betrayal. No doubt about it, that's what she wants to talk to you about."

"Why now?" Luke cried, exasperated.

"It's payback time, Luke," Han said morosely. "Women can remember slights going back decades. I swear. Make 'em mad, and it all comes out; they'll go Huttese on you for stuff you can't even remember. It's uncanny."

Luke grinned briefly, then said: "You know something, Han? I don't imagine Mara hasn't had them, but I don't want to know anything about her exs."

"Of course you don't," Han agreed. "That's the difference between men and women. Women want to know lots of information--was she prettier than me? Was she nicer? Did she have smaller butt?-that last one's a killer, watch out for it. And, oh yeah, do you love me more? Men, now--they only want to know one thing, and one thing only."

"I'm not gonna ask," Luke said. "Which means I don't want to know."

"Tough," Han said. "The question men want to know is: was he better in the sack than me? And should they get one of the two possible answers, the relationship is over."

Luke sighed again, but didn't say anything. Han raised his brows. "Well?" he said.

"Well, what?" Luke said, staring at him.

"We know it's good for you," Han said, repressing a snigger. "Any signs she isn't--you know--satisfied?" Han asked, leering cheerfully at his brother-in-law over his ale.

"No!" Luke snapped.

Han grinned. "If you say so, kid."

"That's not just my opinion, either, you miserable blood-striper!" Luke said sharply. "Remember I can read Mara's mind. I can tell whether she's satisfied or not."

Han stared at him. "You're kidding me."

"Am not!"

"And is this reciprocal?"

"You mean, can she read my mind?" Luke asked. "And the answer is: yes."

"Gods, Luke, you're a brave man."

Luke nodded. "You want to know it."

"I had no idea you two were so--intimate. Why don't you read her mind, then, and find out what's biting her?"

"Can't," Luke muttered. "She's got her shields up. First time since--" he hesitated. "What can I do, Han? I'm getting desperate."

"Need the sun to do a few back flips, do you?" Han asked, raising his brows. "Yup, I can see that you do. Well, I'm not Booster, but I think you should talk to her about Callista. Tell her it was a momentary Force aberration, or whatever. Say, 'Honey, you're right.' To everything she says."

"Everything?" Luke exclaimed.

Han had consumed rather a lot of Corellian whiskey, and was beginning to feel it. "Everything," he said flatly. "No point in arguing, it just convinces her you're guilty of something. Repeat after me: 'Honey, you're right.'"

"Honey, you're right," Luke repeated uncertainly.

"You're damn right I am, Leia," Han slurred. He slumped against the couch and started to snore.

After looking at his slumbering brother-in-law for a few minutes, Luke tiptoed from the room, muttering, 'Honey, you're right,' under his breath.


	4. Honey, You're Right, I'm Left, She's Gon...

Chapter Four---Honey, You're Right, I'm Left, You're Gone

Some time later, Leia, Mirax and Iella could be found, engaged in holding the monthly meeting of the Corellian Wives Club. Like most Corellian social gatherings on Corsucant, it took place at the Luna Tap Cafe. Legend had it that the Luna had acquired its name from the fact that the clientele went crazy during a full moon. But, as Leia put it, since most of the clientele were also crazy when the moon wasn't full, that theory didn't hold water.

Winter, who attended their meetings as an honourary member--and designated driver---pointed out that the patrons weren't really crazy: they were just Corellian. "Same difference," Leia, Mirax and Iella sighed in unison, and in agreement.

Too true. The Luna was equally famous for its matchless Corellian cuisine and its notorious 'Corellian Rules' bar fights--which was to say, no rules at all. The Luna couldn't get insurance any more, but it didn't really need it--wealthy and not-so-wealthy Corellians on Corsucant could be depended upon to keep it open. Leia knew that Han was a regular contributor. He was also a charter member--along with Corran Horn and Wedge Antilles, among others---of the Luna Tap Cafe Drinking Club and Patriotic Society. With emphasis on the 'Drinking.' Their wives maintained their own traditions by creating the Corellian Wives Club, which also met at the Luna. Rumour had it that the Corellian Wives Club had been created to keep a weather eye upon the antics of the Corellian Husbands, but Leia had denied it so often that her friends deemed it politic to pretend to believe her.

The Luna never closed. Ever. It was a point of pride.

"So," Mirax said to Leia, once they had ordered their food, "What's going on with Luke and Mara? Have you heard anything?"

"I've managed to avoid that situation lately, thank the Force," Leia said.

"Am I going to be incredibly surprised?" Mirax asked. "Did she get him to talk to her?"

"Don't be silly," Leia said. "There's no possibility of that. You know it as well as I do. In fact, I'm definitely hopeful that she's on her way out of his life for good. And vice versa."

"What makes you think so?" Mirax asked. "Granted he doesn't talk to her, but maybe they've been too busy for conversation."

"Yes, but they're getting to the point where they've exhausted the available positions, and now have to decide whether they actually have anything in common," Leia said. "The danger zone. I don't see them surviving it, especially as they have almost nothing in common."

She didn't see all three of her companions synchronizing their eye-rolls, because the first course, a Corellian speciality, arrived at the table at that point. The Wives dug into the food in companionable silence.

"Don't look now," Iella said uneasily, as they were finishing their meal some time later, "but I think I see a red-head at four o'clock."

"That's impossible," Leia said, without looking up. "She's not Corellian, she's not married to a Corellian, and she's not an honourary member. She couldn't--or shouldn't---be here."

The three hulking bouncers employed by the Luna had come to the same conclusion. The Wives heard Mara's voice raised indignantly: "How do you know I'm not Corellian? No, I _don't_ have to prove it! You prove I'm not, and if you can't, shove off!"

The bouncers apparently decided to press their point. Unwise. There was a crack, a thud, and a small shower of debris. None of the clientele looked up; this was normal for a night at the Luna. A minute later, Mara appeared at their table, looking ruffled, and brushing crushed plaster out of her hair.

"They let you in?" Mirax said, astonished.

"I had to slam all three of them into the wall," Mara muttered angrily. "I don't know why this place fancies itself as so exclusive! It's a dump!"

"Yes, but it's our very own personal dump," Iella pointed out. "Corellians only. So tell me, Mara, did shoving them into the wall solve your problem?"

"It did, actually," Mara said, with a sudden, if reluctant, smile. "They decided that if I could do that to all three of them, I must actually _be_ a Corellian. So there."

Even Leia laughed at that, but she sobered quickly. "I've never seen you in here before, Mara," she said coolly, "Though Luke's an honourary member, of course."

"He shouldn't be an honourary member of any place that sells whiskey," Mara replied, equally coolly. Leia bristled; as Mirax said later, she thoroughly resented any criticism of her brother. Unless, of course, it came from her.

Unbidden, Mara sat down. She looked at Leia, and said in a tone of loathing: "Your brother--!"

"What about him?" Leia said, looking belligerent.

"He's an idiot!" Mara exclaimed.

"Certainly his taste in women is nothing to write home about," Leia said, _sotto voce_.

Mara ignored this. "He's comes in, and I want to talk to him about our problems, and all he can say is----"

"Is what?"

"Honey, you're right!" Mara said indignantly.

"Well, imagine that," Iella murmured into her ale. "Downright abusive, I'd say."

Mara gave her a fiery glance. "It is abusive, if that's what you say to everything! And he did! I said something--anything, and I do mean anything--he said, "Honey, you're right!" He sounded like a malfunctioning droid!"

"Han does that, too," Leia said gloomily, peering at Mara over her glass. "Drives me crazy."

Mara brightened. "You do understand, then," she said.

"Do I ever," Leia said. "Makes me feel like a child having a tantrum. Like he doesn't give a damn for what I'm saying, but he'll say anything to placate me and shut me up. I hate that--"

"Yeah," Mara said, pouring a generous drink for Leia, "It's incredibly annoying."

It was Mirax's considered opinion that Leia's tolerance for alcohol, if somewhat better than her twin brother's, was still not particularly large. Mara, on the other hand, exhibited an iron capacity through the subsequent evening, where she and Leia discovered more opinions in common than they had previously suspected. The main one was their opinion of men: they were exasperating, irritating, and enraging. Oh, yes, and maddening, too. And of course, Mara was better off without one; specifically, without Luke. Leia was happy to point out all his disadvantages to Mara. He was dull, especially because he had to save the galaxy nearly every year and twice during leap years. He was shy and gauche, and he had a girl on every Outer Rim planet. His rustic manners were Leia's despair, and Mara would be spending her time fending off high class hussies from every Inner Rim planet you could mention--all eager to try out the Jedi Master. He was a wuss, and Mara wouldn't believe how domineering he could be. He had no conversation, and he never stopped talking, except to Mara. He couldn't possibly be any good in bed (Leia by this time was _very_ drunk), because he went through women like water, and if Mara didn't believe her, she could furnish her with a comprehensive list of his girlfriends assembled by Security.

Mara agreed with everything, and kept pouring. By this time, midnight was a distant memory and even Mara's rock-like self-control was fraying.

"You know, Leia," she said, clutching her drink. "I don't know why I put up with him!"

"Well, I agree with that," Leia said, nodding. "Absolutely. I think you should go find him and break up with him. I mean, he deserves it!"

Mirax and Iella had a difficult time keeping up with Leia and Mara, or keeping their own heads up, for that matter. Only Winter, as the designated driver, still had some wits about her. Now she said, "Look, Mara, you don't want to do anything rash. Why don't you sleep it off before you make a decision?" Leia shot her an angry look, which Winter ignored.

"Mara, he's not good enough for you," Leia said loudly. "Waiting until the morning isn't going to change that, is it? I mean, he's got no money, he's short, he's gauche, he's skinny, and worst of all, he has no conversation. You can do better."

"Damn right I can!" Mara said, darkly. "He acts like I'm desperate, or something. It's humiliating."

"Well, then," Leia urged, "You just show him who's boss. You don't need him!"

"I don't!" Mara said, pounding her fist on the table. The glasses rattled alarmingly.

"Right!" Leia said, with a fist-pound of her own. "You tell him that! And make sure you don't argue with him. Just tell him what's what!"

"Yes!" Mara cried. She leapt to her feet and charged out of the Luna, barely missing the bouncers, who were scrambling to get out of her way.

"Gods," Leia said, peering blearily after Mara's retreating figure, "How many times did I repeat myself? I thought she'd never get it."

Then she laid her head on the table and went to sleep under the bemused gaze of her fellow Wives.

Iella asked, confused, "What do you suppose that was all about?"

Mirax sighed. "That was about sabotage," she said.


End file.
